Asphyxiation

I had a great fear today that you were gone. Not the kind of gone I've feared before. Not the kind of gone where you withdraw your fill from my vessel, but really gone. Taken from me against your will and pained by cold blooded hands. I checked for your response throughout the night until the early morning. I need to calm down. When I was finally really awake I sat on my bed and stared straight ahead. Hysteria ran through me as I sat still without an inch of me moving. A black....something....began to devour my chest. It was slowly creeping over my lungs as my heart was struggling to be free. It almost surrendered. I saw myself crying hysterically over hypothetical awful situations where you lay dead. I felt myself sweating and shaking, my temperature high and my body actually unmoved, as i sweated and shook. This pessimistic fear consumes me in my silence and in my most logical moments.

Mind on fire

Pen to the paper is frightening.
I'm scared to write.
I'm afraid that these thoughts are really real.
I'm worried that once they're written, the worst will become.

The world is cruel and these thoughts reflect that.

How?

How do you do what you do to me?
I wish I knew.
If I knew how you do it to me,
I'd do it to you.

The Beatles

Monsters

She sat in the silence surrounding her on the outside while inside she felt like a loud speaker was on. The feelings and thoughts persisted, resisting from settling. She wondered if others around her felt as unsettled by their insides as she did. There was the drinking and smoking that made her insides feel alien and rotten from time to time. The conflicts between her family was out of her control. It pained her but then again it's not like she was making the situation any better by not being there. Next was the unstoppable feeling to please her bosses. How could she say no when she knew they were depending on their only employee who knew the ropes. As a result of this she had a mountain of work piling up from school. Articles unread and bare sentences that screamed to be highlighted.

As she ran through the thoughts that were constantly nagging her, a deep dark pressure began to build in her chest. As hard as water pressing up against a dam anxious to break. A slow hysteria ran across her eyes, for anyone passing by to see, as she realized that all of her problems were of her own creation. That it was she who had lost control and not that too much had been placed on her.

She sat in the class that no one spoke in which made her feel like it was okay to write a to-do-list of the monsters she needed to tackle.

07/29/09

It's been a while...

09/09/09

It's the way you move, you speak, you look, you feel, you think, you react, you play, you investigate, you laugh, you respond, you yell, you respond, and everything else that you do that's so natural that makes me miss you as strongly as I always do. A scary thought of you not being with me somewhere down the line rips through me. Plunging myself into an emotional black hole is feasible when I think of your absence. I literally yearn for your skin and waking up beside you or simply being near you.

Whispers

She sits and swallows
the explosion of emotions
waiting to escape.
She foolishly finds herself
thinking of the most intimate moments
that they shared and
made them close.

The soft whispers of love and
appreciation that she
still hears in her dreams.
He haunts the world inside of her
that he knows still belongs to him.
The glass box has been broken
yet pieces still linger in hopes of
finding the remains and
fix what is broken.

Whispers of kisses and hugs
follow her as she walks down the street.
Whispers of long hours in bed remain in her sheets.
Whispers of promises for the future and
images of a life built together remain in her notes.
She whispers to herself that it won't be
but the whispers of his insistence won't let them be.

Perplexed I am

Am I the only one who felt so real about the love
we felt inside and communicated to each other
verbally and physically?
Am I the only one who felt
the heart wrenching pain when the relationship
we had was declared to be over?
Am I the only love fool who has fooled herself that
the possibility of you and me has lived on for
X amount of time?

How is it that if both you and I have felt so much
deep inside that I'm the only one
saying how badly I feel when you're not around
which is constantly because you decided for the
both of us that we're best without each other?

Why is it that every time I see a person
with your features or characteristics I hope it's you?
Or that every time I am on the train that takes me
down your route I hope that it is you walking by me?
And why is it that every time I talk about you I say
all sorts of negative things when deep down
it is you I feel I deserve?

So lastly, why is it that when I think of you and me
being once again...I have doubts?

LongLiveLove

P.S. Why can't I shed anymore tears for you even thought my heart aches to do so?

Hello

She no longer expresses externally what burns inside.
Lapses of internal pain that awaits to burst
carries her chest with burden and ache.
Like clockwork, the sadness settles and she says it can't be explained
when in reality, she knows exactly why and refuses to admit it aloud.

She longs for a lover but not just anyone.
She longs for the lover that promised her all that she deserves.
Dreams and expectations still hang above her awaiting a reality.
She breathes deep and expects that pain to leave with her breathe but
to no avail.
She drinks to soothe her thoughts and calm her nerves.
She sleeps to dream....