Asphyxiation

I had a great fear today that you were gone. Not the kind of gone I've feared before. Not the kind of gone where you withdraw your fill from my vessel, but really gone. Taken from me against your will and pained by cold blooded hands. I checked for your response throughout the night until the early morning. I need to calm down. When I was finally really awake I sat on my bed and stared straight ahead. Hysteria ran through me as I sat still without an inch of me moving. A black....something....began to devour my chest. It was slowly creeping over my lungs as my heart was struggling to be free. It almost surrendered. I saw myself crying hysterically over hypothetical awful situations where you lay dead. I felt myself sweating and shaking, my temperature high and my body actually unmoved, as i sweated and shook. This pessimistic fear consumes me in my silence and in my most logical moments.

Mind on fire

Pen to the paper is frightening.
I'm scared to write.
I'm afraid that these thoughts are really real.
I'm worried that once they're written, the worst will become.

The world is cruel and these thoughts reflect that.

How?

How do you do what you do to me?
I wish I knew.
If I knew how you do it to me,
I'd do it to you.

The Beatles

Monsters

She sat in the silence surrounding her on the outside while inside she felt like a loud speaker was on. The feelings and thoughts persisted, resisting from settling. She wondered if others around her felt as unsettled by their insides as she did. There was the drinking and smoking that made her insides feel alien and rotten from time to time. The conflicts between her family was out of her control. It pained her but then again it's not like she was making the situation any better by not being there. Next was the unstoppable feeling to please her bosses. How could she say no when she knew they were depending on their only employee who knew the ropes. As a result of this she had a mountain of work piling up from school. Articles unread and bare sentences that screamed to be highlighted.

As she ran through the thoughts that were constantly nagging her, a deep dark pressure began to build in her chest. As hard as water pressing up against a dam anxious to break. A slow hysteria ran across her eyes, for anyone passing by to see, as she realized that all of her problems were of her own creation. That it was she who had lost control and not that too much had been placed on her.

She sat in the class that no one spoke in which made her feel like it was okay to write a to-do-list of the monsters she needed to tackle.

07/29/09

It's been a while...

09/09/09

It's the way you move, you speak, you look, you feel, you think, you react, you play, you investigate, you laugh, you respond, you yell, you respond, and everything else that you do that's so natural that makes me miss you as strongly as I always do. A scary thought of you not being with me somewhere down the line rips through me. Plunging myself into an emotional black hole is feasible when I think of your absence. I literally yearn for your skin and waking up beside you or simply being near you.

Whispers

She sits and swallows
the explosion of emotions
waiting to escape.
She foolishly finds herself
thinking of the most intimate moments
that they shared and
made them close.

The soft whispers of love and
appreciation that she
still hears in her dreams.
He haunts the world inside of her
that he knows still belongs to him.
The glass box has been broken
yet pieces still linger in hopes of
finding the remains and
fix what is broken.

Whispers of kisses and hugs
follow her as she walks down the street.
Whispers of long hours in bed remain in her sheets.
Whispers of promises for the future and
images of a life built together remain in her notes.
She whispers to herself that it won't be
but the whispers of his insistence won't let them be.

Perplexed I am

Am I the only one who felt so real about the love
we felt inside and communicated to each other
verbally and physically?
Am I the only one who felt
the heart wrenching pain when the relationship
we had was declared to be over?
Am I the only love fool who has fooled herself that
the possibility of you and me has lived on for
X amount of time?

How is it that if both you and I have felt so much
deep inside that I'm the only one
saying how badly I feel when you're not around
which is constantly because you decided for the
both of us that we're best without each other?

Why is it that every time I see a person
with your features or characteristics I hope it's you?
Or that every time I am on the train that takes me
down your route I hope that it is you walking by me?
And why is it that every time I talk about you I say
all sorts of negative things when deep down
it is you I feel I deserve?

So lastly, why is it that when I think of you and me
being once again...I have doubts?

LongLiveLove

P.S. Why can't I shed anymore tears for you even thought my heart aches to do so?

Hello

She no longer expresses externally what burns inside.
Lapses of internal pain that awaits to burst
carries her chest with burden and ache.
Like clockwork, the sadness settles and she says it can't be explained
when in reality, she knows exactly why and refuses to admit it aloud.

She longs for a lover but not just anyone.
She longs for the lover that promised her all that she deserves.
Dreams and expectations still hang above her awaiting a reality.
She breathes deep and expects that pain to leave with her breathe but
to no avail.
She drinks to soothe her thoughts and calm her nerves.
She sleeps to dream....

Train belligerence

I'll tell you why this one feels like my real first. Never had I met a man who's soul matched mine. A man who instantly swept me off my feet and love just sprang in. The others...it wasn't love but infatuation. This was the first man who I barely knew but made me love and trust him with just a smile and a hug and a kiss and his revealing himself to me. Insecurities and worries plagued me out of experience but soon I found out that this is like nothing I've ever experienced. And I really didn't see an end in sight...ever..we had already established that the rest of our lives will be spent together. Diamond bracelets, thousands of shoes and a home in every time zone. But now times are hard and you got weak. Now there's no time for you and me.

---

Never have
I ever been with a man who's caresses made me feel that his touch was not something obligatory but something that I deserved and should have been there before I knew that love is pain. You were the one that everyone- including Belle and Cinderella- told me about. The one I loved now and later. Come on in...every thing's ready for you.

They call him Common Sense for a reason...

Time revolve
we fell in love as crazy as Nas and them
broads were textin
cuz I stop calling them
I met the parents
watch the game with her father and
questions of marriage
and I start dodging them
what happen to me
happens to lots of men
get deep in love
and then your needing some oxygen
as far as wives I was thinking like Solomon
she said "there you go, breakin my heart again!"

-Common

Breaking my heart 08/03

Fear and panic of losing the one person of the opposite sex who makes me feel whole, beautiful, and worthy. This dependency has never existed in me before and fear settles. Irresistible love. Unloathing, unintentional caresses from a man who is undeniably the uninsured uncensored love I'd been waiting for a long time. Unidentifiable flawlessness that only I can but welcome with an open heart.

The unclassified love that is being created one step at a time. The unselfish love this is professed along with the unsettling patience that must be had. The unbelievable way that you are and I miss you and I love you and you...you...you...

Shelter me, you love me, you caress me, you protect me, you stand by me, you...you..you..you...it's always been you that my heart has waited to profess its love to, it's waited, waited, waited so badly. Cobwebs and brick walls intended to protect this tender organ have been destroyed in a matter of days; effortlessly by a man who I barely even knew. You awoke me inside and took my breath away now please don't let this die.

This beautiful philosophy we've created called...us.

Growing woman

Sometimes the woman in me
does not realize just how womanly
I am nor the capacity
of who I am.
Who I am and what I can be.
Be Be Be
is all I want to be.

Sometimes I am afraid that I do not realize
my capacity of just how womanly I can be
and how quickly I can cause some ruckus.
I many times have tried to make a man's soul
be the soul that reflected my soul
and then I realized that they don't give a fuck about
me.

Sometimes I am afraid that I do not realize
the extraordinary woman that I have grown to be
and the life that I will lead that will get me
to places higher than I ever expected.
I forget that I can say some real shit sometimes
with the power of my paper and pen
and then I realize I have nothing to repent.

Sometimes I am afraid that I do not realize
that the world does not revolve around me.
I am struggling day by day trying to make
mom and pop be as proud as they can be to have
made such a butterfly that stings like a bee.
A bee with a sense of direction that clearly
knows which flower to prickle and which
comb will produce the most honey that will eventually
trickle.

Sometimes Sometimes Sometimes
I I I
do not realize how much love I've found.
Sometimes Sometimes Sometimes
I I I
am so selfish.
Sometimes Sometimes Sometimes
I I I
want to give my heart and soul to the world.
The world consisting of those who have
pieces of my heart beating in their hands
slowly watching as I grow into a woman.
Slowly growing with me as we grow together
to be the full entity of our generation.
To say some real shit sometimes and sometimes
want to cry but not let it deter us of our road.

Una mujer

No one will ever understand the pain she with stands.
The blows her body takes and the pain that runs through her.
It is physical and emotional,
it makes her tackle on the person she once thought she was.
She was born to struggle but no one ever imagined this much.
I speak not of the pain aches of heart break that is bestowed upon us all, man or woman.
I speak of the physical pains that women endure that then lead others to look at her funny.
Her period, breast cancer, lupus, sexism, limitations.
It affects us all.

We as women are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for.
Willingly we make the decision to shove a being out of the vagina men love to play in.
We have the bodies men faun over, wrecking havoc in our hearts.
We as women will tend to your needs not to cater to you but
because it sometimes is the right thing to do. To love another.

Do not think that I need you to hold my hand
or put your arm around me to reassure me of my beauty or our relationship.
These things are additional.
I know who I am and how much respect I deserve.
I’ve been ’hey mami’d’ before and ’ayo boo’d’ too.
Let him know that I’ve done seen it all and been through it all.
I gave up my body because I was anxious to be grown
and feel something so so real.
Part time lovers and part time friends,
never fully committed, never fully happy.
Almost lovers.
All lovers of something so much more trivial than me.

I am woman hear me roar.
I roar not just for me but for my mother who sleeps in the room next to mine
with pains on her feet of years of standing, tending, serving
and who’s mother’s sleeps in the building next to ours who’s feet also ache for the same reasons.
I roar for my nieces who have only just begun to love their dresses and skirts
and fight boys on playgrounds.
I roar for his sister who hurts because the anatomy of a woman was too good to be true.
I roar for the 15 year old princess, unaware of her potential.
I roar for you and me and she and maybe even him.
I hope you are roaring with me.

Trash

Speak ever so softly
as to not disturb my heart.
My aching heart trembles
at the sound of your voice.
I wish I didn't get so weak
oh baby just to hear you speak.

Certain places, smells, sights, sounds
remind me of you.
With every pit patter of my heart
I slowly feel it collecting dust.
Slowly giving up hope, losing its religion.


-----

Sweet caresses that left their mark
imprints on the skin and soul
make me wish you were never present.
The aches of a body once loved,
pangs that inconveniently remind me
of the everlasting happiness that was in the past.

Slow like honey

I am raw with emotions
and need not to bother with discretion.
Sometimes I ache and
sometimes I remember not what has happened.
I forget and walk along this path,
with only the problems of the future on my shoulders.

I don't think of the pain that was,
or the future that could have been.
I forget that I had to let you go
since you took the first bold move first.
I forget that was we sit here talking,
we will never be friends the way we were friends.

You no longer want me as you wanted me,
while I sit here wanting you just the same as before.
I am suddenly reminded of that
and it burns like a strong whiskey that settles in the throat.
I want to fix all of your problems
but you will not let me.
I want to kiss all the bruises done by words
but the window of opportunity has come and gone.

But maybe some faith would do me good.

"..Though dreams may be deceiving
like faces are to hearts...:-Fiona Apple

Solo existe...hoy?!?!

As many of us may know (i don't know who us is cuz nobody reads this lol), I have a tattoo that says, 'Only today exists' pero en espanol. Bueno, me puse a pensar and honestly, I don't live my life as if only today exists. I go to dreadful classes today so that hopefully in the future I can benefit from them and I work even though i don't want to sometimes because I need the money for the future whether near or far. I want to love someone but I can't because this isn't a one way street and it's not only about what I want.

So I guess we can't really live only for today if we're broke college students with broken hearts. Or just compromised in situations we'd rather not be.

Damn the bourgeois.

"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind"
- Rolling Stones

12/03

I always find myself writing during the cultural studies lecture...

The Battles were short and often. The war lasted forever. Our victory dance was brief and then it all went to shit and all we had to show for it were battle scars. Deep scars. We tried so hard for so long to ignore the feelings that persisted and resurged every so often and when we finally stopped lying to ourselves, the war had just begun. The next step was making you realize and fulling understanding how completely devoted I was to you and how much you needed. I proved it after long months and we lived blissfully for not even a quarter of the time we had spent fighting and resenting. I want you back as my best friend, and as my lover who...well was brand new. But that didn't matter to me, we were so much more than that. I don't know why, but I'm not bitter or mad. I am just lonely. I still want to cater to you and make sure that you know that someone loves you because I don't think you ever felt that. I deadass don't know why.

Cuz no one loves you more than me,
and no one ever will.

- Ms. Hill

Sometimes I do think that this was for the best. I'm seeing old friends, made some new ones and I'm feeling brand new but...only sometimes. I'm fully aware of the fact that I deserve someone who's willing to be there with me through thick and thin and who appreciates me for all that I am. And I agree, 100%, the only problem is that I thought that that person was you and I had already found him so now it's like...who do I trust?

---------------------------

In the same class, a poem.

"No hard feelings."

I bid you farewell,
and I wish you luck.
You are not who I thought you were but,
I think it's just because
I am a know it all.
You let us go in an instance
and I persisted to hold on.
I figured, 'he's being irrational,
I need to make him realize.'
But I don't know if you want
to realize anymore.
I don't know who you are.

11/28

I wrote this jumpoff on the train. It ain't good or nuffin' :-P

'Weak'

"And I existed for you."
"Deadass though," if you only knew
how much truth there were behind
those lines, I wouldn't be surprised if
you smile and said "Aight, good lookin'."

School, work and then you.
I gave up on one and all friends
for you.
I'd squeeze them into my schedule
as I did shit like walk to the train
so that I could see you every
one or two hours that I had free for you.

You; who was there everyday via
IM, phone call, myspace, whatever I could find.
I existed for you,
I was for you,
and I'd probably be here for you if you called.
And I'm not ashamed, which is sad.

Now, there's time for them because
you don't want to see me.
I chew on the last piece of gum that
you bought me one month ago
and I cry inside.
I don't let them see me weep because then
I'd be a weak ass bitch for you.

---------------------

Ok a different one.

"Trains go by"

I get on the train and
take the same route I'd take
to go see you.
Every train that passes to go downtown,
I'd hope to catch a glimpse of your face.
The train I get on going uptown,
I hope to see you on it.
A bouquet in hands, ready tosay
"I'm sorry, I love you."
However, those words will never be uttered
from those bitter lips that belonged to me
for only an instance.
And what an instance it was;
almost a lifetime.

Today

Everyday it gets easier
and harder at the same
fucking time!

You cry and then
you realize that it could be worse.

When it hurts so bad

Roughly 24 hours ago I had some sort of epiphany and throughout the rest of the day I kept stumbling across realizations and was repeatedly reminded by loved ones my worth and the values of a relationship. You should be there through the good and the bad. You want "people who are there for you no matter what...no matter what"...but when it boils down to it you left me high and dry. So I've decided to let it go. My original plan was to not give up on what we had built in the past 4 years but it appears that you've let it go so why shouldn't I?

And I get it, you said we can still "talk" okay...not even be friends but you know what, I'll take it because in me I have a heart full of love for you and complete and full adoration and I could never say no to you, my love. It will take time to drain it out and possibly leave you a corner solely for friendship but you gotta do what you gotta do. I miss you, I do. You were my everyday friend, sometimes lover and inconsistent boyfriend. I was hoping that by now you would realize the mistake you enacted but maybe you need more time or maybe this is just the way it's going to be.

I secretly hope that you come back to me and we can return to the way things were but I suppose I understand if you don't. I just know I'd be there with you had this been the other way around and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. When you love and care for someone, you hold on for as long as you can until there's no other resolution. I thought that the way to resolve our problem would be to just be with you in an open relationship because I can't give you what you so badly desire but I realized that wouldn't work. I'd be sitting here wondering if she was better than me and if she'd steal you from me quicker than I was able to get you. Maybe this was a sign and maybe it is for the best. Who knows.

Either way, I know we need time apart.


"Gave up my power
and I existed for you."