Slow like honey

I am raw with emotions
and need not to bother with discretion.
Sometimes I ache and
sometimes I remember not what has happened.
I forget and walk along this path,
with only the problems of the future on my shoulders.

I don't think of the pain that was,
or the future that could have been.
I forget that I had to let you go
since you took the first bold move first.
I forget that was we sit here talking,
we will never be friends the way we were friends.

You no longer want me as you wanted me,
while I sit here wanting you just the same as before.
I am suddenly reminded of that
and it burns like a strong whiskey that settles in the throat.
I want to fix all of your problems
but you will not let me.
I want to kiss all the bruises done by words
but the window of opportunity has come and gone.

But maybe some faith would do me good.

"..Though dreams may be deceiving
like faces are to hearts...:-Fiona Apple

Solo existe...hoy?!?!

As many of us may know (i don't know who us is cuz nobody reads this lol), I have a tattoo that says, 'Only today exists' pero en espanol. Bueno, me puse a pensar and honestly, I don't live my life as if only today exists. I go to dreadful classes today so that hopefully in the future I can benefit from them and I work even though i don't want to sometimes because I need the money for the future whether near or far. I want to love someone but I can't because this isn't a one way street and it's not only about what I want.

So I guess we can't really live only for today if we're broke college students with broken hearts. Or just compromised in situations we'd rather not be.

Damn the bourgeois.

"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind"
- Rolling Stones

12/03

I always find myself writing during the cultural studies lecture...

The Battles were short and often. The war lasted forever. Our victory dance was brief and then it all went to shit and all we had to show for it were battle scars. Deep scars. We tried so hard for so long to ignore the feelings that persisted and resurged every so often and when we finally stopped lying to ourselves, the war had just begun. The next step was making you realize and fulling understanding how completely devoted I was to you and how much you needed. I proved it after long months and we lived blissfully for not even a quarter of the time we had spent fighting and resenting. I want you back as my best friend, and as my lover who...well was brand new. But that didn't matter to me, we were so much more than that. I don't know why, but I'm not bitter or mad. I am just lonely. I still want to cater to you and make sure that you know that someone loves you because I don't think you ever felt that. I deadass don't know why.

Cuz no one loves you more than me,
and no one ever will.

- Ms. Hill

Sometimes I do think that this was for the best. I'm seeing old friends, made some new ones and I'm feeling brand new but...only sometimes. I'm fully aware of the fact that I deserve someone who's willing to be there with me through thick and thin and who appreciates me for all that I am. And I agree, 100%, the only problem is that I thought that that person was you and I had already found him so now it's like...who do I trust?

---------------------------

In the same class, a poem.

"No hard feelings."

I bid you farewell,
and I wish you luck.
You are not who I thought you were but,
I think it's just because
I am a know it all.
You let us go in an instance
and I persisted to hold on.
I figured, 'he's being irrational,
I need to make him realize.'
But I don't know if you want
to realize anymore.
I don't know who you are.

11/28

I wrote this jumpoff on the train. It ain't good or nuffin' :-P

'Weak'

"And I existed for you."
"Deadass though," if you only knew
how much truth there were behind
those lines, I wouldn't be surprised if
you smile and said "Aight, good lookin'."

School, work and then you.
I gave up on one and all friends
for you.
I'd squeeze them into my schedule
as I did shit like walk to the train
so that I could see you every
one or two hours that I had free for you.

You; who was there everyday via
IM, phone call, myspace, whatever I could find.
I existed for you,
I was for you,
and I'd probably be here for you if you called.
And I'm not ashamed, which is sad.

Now, there's time for them because
you don't want to see me.
I chew on the last piece of gum that
you bought me one month ago
and I cry inside.
I don't let them see me weep because then
I'd be a weak ass bitch for you.

---------------------

Ok a different one.

"Trains go by"

I get on the train and
take the same route I'd take
to go see you.
Every train that passes to go downtown,
I'd hope to catch a glimpse of your face.
The train I get on going uptown,
I hope to see you on it.
A bouquet in hands, ready tosay
"I'm sorry, I love you."
However, those words will never be uttered
from those bitter lips that belonged to me
for only an instance.
And what an instance it was;
almost a lifetime.

Today

Everyday it gets easier
and harder at the same
fucking time!

You cry and then
you realize that it could be worse.

When it hurts so bad

Roughly 24 hours ago I had some sort of epiphany and throughout the rest of the day I kept stumbling across realizations and was repeatedly reminded by loved ones my worth and the values of a relationship. You should be there through the good and the bad. You want "people who are there for you no matter what...no matter what"...but when it boils down to it you left me high and dry. So I've decided to let it go. My original plan was to not give up on what we had built in the past 4 years but it appears that you've let it go so why shouldn't I?

And I get it, you said we can still "talk" okay...not even be friends but you know what, I'll take it because in me I have a heart full of love for you and complete and full adoration and I could never say no to you, my love. It will take time to drain it out and possibly leave you a corner solely for friendship but you gotta do what you gotta do. I miss you, I do. You were my everyday friend, sometimes lover and inconsistent boyfriend. I was hoping that by now you would realize the mistake you enacted but maybe you need more time or maybe this is just the way it's going to be.

I secretly hope that you come back to me and we can return to the way things were but I suppose I understand if you don't. I just know I'd be there with you had this been the other way around and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. When you love and care for someone, you hold on for as long as you can until there's no other resolution. I thought that the way to resolve our problem would be to just be with you in an open relationship because I can't give you what you so badly desire but I realized that wouldn't work. I'd be sitting here wondering if she was better than me and if she'd steal you from me quicker than I was able to get you. Maybe this was a sign and maybe it is for the best. Who knows.

Either way, I know we need time apart.


"Gave up my power
and I existed for you."

Oh lover

I keep telling myself that this is only temporary. That like all other things we will overcome this and you will come to your senses. We will somehow work things out and you and I will be together again. But...I need to stop lying to myself, no? You said that this is a sign that we weren't gonna last much longer...NO!

This didn't have to turn out this way. All I ever really wanted to do was cater to you as pathetic and anti-feminist as that may sound. I wanted to be the one you'd run to for help, the one you'd call on for love. And I was that person. For such a short amount of time...longer as a friend than as a woman. You were the only person I spoke to everyday, all day. Now...it's lonely.

Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you see the ridiculous effort I'm putting in to try and make you realize?

Why don't you want me the way I want you? Not just sexually but as a fucking...rational feeling human being?

'Gave up my power
and I existed for you.'

So as I sit here and listen to Lauryn, Fiona, and Rachel, I realize that I'm being absolutely absurd. I'm not the only one who's been through this, I'm not the only one feeling this way and surely I will not be the one to let it ruin me. Hopefully this aura of confidence lasts for a while and I don't think of him.

An ode to my lover

I write you this letter and will never send it. Oh how I have posts from other blogs written in hopes that you'd see them but this one...I'd rather you don't...because I know you won't.

I say 'thank you' you say 'good lookin'. I say 'baby' you say 'ma'. We worked, we functioned and we showed each other our love and affection in the only abstract way we knew how. Abstract to the outsides but to you and me, it worked. An inconvenient truth threw us off guard and melted our ice caps. Into a sea we never expected to be floating about in, confused, lost. To you, it is a sign that we're not meant to be, to me it's a test of strength. I'm hanging on long after you've let go and I don't even know if it will be worth it in the end. You don't seem to be struggling with your conscious about me but then again you've always been good at hiding your emotions, so much so that for a while it seemed like you didn't have any.

When I tell people about our "break-up" and the way I feel they say, "But...him? What's the big deal? Why him?" But...why not him? Him who has known me for the past forever, him who has come to me for help since...always. Nobody gets it either and when I try to explain it all, I just find myself stumbling over my words, stuttering "I don't know." Truthfully sometimes I ask myself how'd I fall so miserably in love with my best friend and not even notice it? I gradually found myself fighting for you with all that I had and even now I refuse to let go.

I shouldn't have waited to tell you my deepest secret. I should have told you the second I found out. Maybe it could've saved us. Maybe you wouldn't have left me to hang with a gun and bullet in hand. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Why don't I just let it go?

How wonderful life is...

...now you're in the world.

Things can happen so quickly. Go from bad to good and from good to sour. Most of the time, things seem to take a turn for the worst.

"Fall seven times, stand up 8." Thanks titi.

08/13/07

Nothing makes any sense.
Nothing makes any sense.
Nothing makes any sense.
My tthroat seems to get smaller and my heart races fast because my breaths are shorter. I break out into a cold sweat for a mere few seconds but in those few seconds I feel as if my world is collapsing. I want to cryand change but I don't because I can't. I wonder if this happens to everyone and they just don't say it. Or if I'm one of the unlucky few who get it because depression runs in my family according to my depressed sister who heard it from her psychiatrist.

Magic 07-26-07

While overhearing an arguement between two brothers, my cousins, about who's more fake Chriss Angel or David Blaine, my thoughts immediately ran to the conclusion that we are some confused sad folks. How sad is it nowadays that the possibility of magic is well...not even a real possibility. "It's harder to believe than to see" (Circa Survive). So basically we don't believe in magic or anything that could remotely resemble it. angel and Blaine are illusionits of at least that's what they have to call themselves in order for people not to think they are absolutely out of their minds.
So while we don't believe in magic that we see right before our eyes, we are able to become engulfed in science fiction with tales of a world unknown such as the infamous Harry Potter. Reading and walking has become the latest trend since Mr. Potter first made his debut and what is the book about? Magic. Magic magic magic.

Mississippi

This is a poem I had written when I went down to Biloxi, Mississippi to help rebuild the community after Hurricane Katrina.

Remnents of a home unclaimed,
unfound, unknown.
Ravished by the unbound sea, misplaced.
As you see the scattered pieces
of all that is left you wonder...
What's really left?
Hundreds displaced,
Millions to spend on homes,
moral issues at hand,
And 29 Hands offering to help.

07-11-07

Things just seem so much simpler then when I think back. The "then" was a time when the actions of others were temporarily excused and added onto the good times you encountered. Those actions were temporary so they eventually caught on. This was no longer a time for immaturity to over conquer responsibility or for excuses to be playfully used and seriously accepted. This was life...has been all along. The consequences of their actions could no longer sit on the back burner. Smoking some bud wasn't just smoking bud but rather a check mark in the box that asks if you've ever been convicted of a felony on that job application. Same thing goes for trespassing or fighting when caught a certain number of times.

We could all justify our wrong doings as we are doing them but when we face that chilling room in bookings or that haunting hospital room, we must wake up. Wake up. Wake up.

This isn't a wake up call to tell you that I am holier than thou because trust me, I'm not. Or to stop doing what your doing (which is what makes being young so much fun), but rather to be on point. It is about the people around you and how your actions will not only harm yourself but those around you. You may not even be the one doing the wrong doing but rather your friend however, you might be the one to catch the bullet instead of him or her, or maybe even just a simple ticket. Be on the prowl because a pig is always oinking around for a donut, and a jackass always has a stick up his ass.

06-26-07

She silently observed as he continued to talk, her eyes gravitating towards his lips. Lips like sugar. Lips that were not only for pleasure, but reassured her at just the right moments. With him, things were different. Right then and there, the possibilities seemed endless, as they very well should.
He spoke and griped her shoulder as his excitement ripled and his story got more and more intense. She licked her lips and laughed loudly as she sat opposite the one who gave her confidence. He was that one. Coming from any- and every- one else it wouldn't matter but he held the force field over her head. This force field gave her the nudge she needed because others before him made her lack it.
She kissed the hand that still sat on her shoulder and then broke free by laying down on his bed where they had been sitting. He followed and layed down next ti her, holding his head up by his hand as his arms and head created a triangle. He continued to talk and she seized th back of his head and ran her fingers through his long thick hair. It was hard to put into words how incredibly intense he made her feel. How much of a woman she felt when she was reminded that he wanted her. Before him, she was an amazon woman fighting the demoralizing battles of the world she lived in. No man ever treated her as she should have been treated...except for him. Of this she was fully aware. She knew that this was what she had been looking for all along. She knew, so then why the hesitation in her mind?

Old..

So i was cleaning out my room and I found my folder and inside i had written a poem.

Trapped in two worlds.
A humble abyss that we've created together
and the reality of our distance.
In our world we happily live and love
while in reality i simply wander and get by.
How could I combine the two
if the extremities we've reached
in no way coincide?
I want to make you happy,
but reality won't let me.

Then

Things just seem so much simpler then when I think back. The "then" was a time when the actions of others were temporarily excused and added onto the good times she encountered. Those actions were temporary so they eventually caught on. This was no longer a time for immaturity to over conquer responsibility or for excuses to be playfully used and seriously accepted. This was life...all along. The consequences of their actions could no longer sit on the back burner. Smoking some bud wasn't just smoking bud but rather a check mark in the box that asks if you've ever been convicted of a felony on that job application. Same thing goes for trespassing or fighting when caught a certain number of times.
We could all justify our wrong doings as we are doing them but when we face that chilling room in bookings or that haunting hospital room, we must wake up. Wake up. Wake up.
This isn't a wake up call to tell you to stop doing what your doing (which is what makes being young so much fun), but rather to be on point. It is about the people around you and how your actions will not only harm yourself but those around you. Be on the prowl because a pig is always oinking around for a donut, and a jackass always has a stick up his ass.

6/30 4:00am

Her efforts were futile. As friends, they were close. Randomly at 2:30 in morning he would lay all his problems on her and she was quick to solve them. She was a momma bear, she could never say no nor would she want to. One day the boundaries were crossed...and then the next week, and for two more weeks after that.
The feelings she had once felt for him those X years before resurfaced and she found herself back at square one, wanting him after he no longer wanted her. With due time things seemed to return to normalcy and what had happened between them remained in the memory palace of drunken escapades. The time arrived when he was now in a dark place. Trying to find outlets in writing and working, she saw as everything that had always been difficult around him become even tougher. She wanted to help him, help him find his way to a place where no distractions could penetrate or evil mothers could persist; her heart. This she knew couldn't be again. She would not be the fool who fell for her best friend again.
She abandoned hope for a bright bright consensual romantic future, but she did finally accept him as the best friend she always knew she had by her. She was going to stick around and use her nurturing ways to help him get through his pains and collisions...as his friend.

6/30 3:45am

As much as they tried to resist, it had already happened. The feelings were sinking in and the rush of reality was taking them for the ride. Words that they had once said seemed to disappear into extremities that were no longer within their reach. "Let's take things slow," had almost been words that were part of a joke. A few days later they still tried to hold onto them but they were surely gone from their grip, no matter how hard they reached.
So now it was time to face the truth and come to terms with what was to become of them. Yes, things were evolving quickly. Quicker than expected, but they were still in the primary stages when taking a few steps back might actually be effective. However, who really wanted that? He wanted to love and she wanted to be loved. And vice versa of course. Of course, otherwise they wouldn't be in their predicament. Daydreaming of the future (honestly, just a few weeks ahead), they both saw themselves in it along with each other; frolics and sugar kisses all inclusive.
That however, was too far down the line to even be considered! What's really at stake is the how and the now. Everything else would surely work itself out. Surely.

Maybe..about..someone?

06-24
The possibilities seem endless from the
skyscrapers that I live my life on.
You came like a quiet storm
slowly gaining momentum as you saw interest,
taking my life by surprise.
I find myself smiling more
as the days progress.
Dreams I had long ago abandonded
resurrect without a struggle.

06-25
Infiltrated quietly,
you are now a permanent landmark on my mind.
I dared myself not to think of you
and I lost.
Lost my inhibitions.
Lost my mind.
The funniest thing happens when I think of you,
I smile.
As I write this, I bite my cheek,
trying to resist and fight the good fight
of the Amazon woman.
But then I think of your laugh...

Work in progress

This one I had been working on for like a week. I started out with a few lines. And then I decided not to finish it exactly. I'm not sure if it's done yet but...this is what I have so far. It was inspired by a friend who's in the hospital and...shook our worlds.

The tragedies of this world
surround me like these 4 walls.
We were invincible for a while,
unaffected by the misery that was hidden from us.
So much time we spent worrying
about problems that in the end
mattered only then.

We've been slapped in the face with
reality's overpowered hand.
That hand that you can't escape.
The sunlight that had once illuminated
our days has suddenly been blocked
by the hand that rules all.
The conundrums of our lives beat so loudly
I can't hear anything else.

Just as things pick up in one place,
in another it spirals downward.
This is our lives from now on.
There's no escaping it.
The problems that we create for ourselves,
engulf us in this mad world.
Because we made them,
we must now face them.

Our denial of reality
makes us hate it even more...

---

Yeah definitely not done.