Today

Everyday it gets easier
and harder at the same
fucking time!

You cry and then
you realize that it could be worse.

When it hurts so bad

Roughly 24 hours ago I had some sort of epiphany and throughout the rest of the day I kept stumbling across realizations and was repeatedly reminded by loved ones my worth and the values of a relationship. You should be there through the good and the bad. You want "people who are there for you no matter what...no matter what"...but when it boils down to it you left me high and dry. So I've decided to let it go. My original plan was to not give up on what we had built in the past 4 years but it appears that you've let it go so why shouldn't I?

And I get it, you said we can still "talk" okay...not even be friends but you know what, I'll take it because in me I have a heart full of love for you and complete and full adoration and I could never say no to you, my love. It will take time to drain it out and possibly leave you a corner solely for friendship but you gotta do what you gotta do. I miss you, I do. You were my everyday friend, sometimes lover and inconsistent boyfriend. I was hoping that by now you would realize the mistake you enacted but maybe you need more time or maybe this is just the way it's going to be.

I secretly hope that you come back to me and we can return to the way things were but I suppose I understand if you don't. I just know I'd be there with you had this been the other way around and I know I'm not the only one who feels this way. When you love and care for someone, you hold on for as long as you can until there's no other resolution. I thought that the way to resolve our problem would be to just be with you in an open relationship because I can't give you what you so badly desire but I realized that wouldn't work. I'd be sitting here wondering if she was better than me and if she'd steal you from me quicker than I was able to get you. Maybe this was a sign and maybe it is for the best. Who knows.

Either way, I know we need time apart.


"Gave up my power
and I existed for you."

Oh lover

I keep telling myself that this is only temporary. That like all other things we will overcome this and you will come to your senses. We will somehow work things out and you and I will be together again. But...I need to stop lying to myself, no? You said that this is a sign that we weren't gonna last much longer...NO!

This didn't have to turn out this way. All I ever really wanted to do was cater to you as pathetic and anti-feminist as that may sound. I wanted to be the one you'd run to for help, the one you'd call on for love. And I was that person. For such a short amount of time...longer as a friend than as a woman. You were the only person I spoke to everyday, all day. Now...it's lonely.

Why can't you see what I see? Why can't you see the ridiculous effort I'm putting in to try and make you realize?

Why don't you want me the way I want you? Not just sexually but as a fucking...rational feeling human being?

'Gave up my power
and I existed for you.'

So as I sit here and listen to Lauryn, Fiona, and Rachel, I realize that I'm being absolutely absurd. I'm not the only one who's been through this, I'm not the only one feeling this way and surely I will not be the one to let it ruin me. Hopefully this aura of confidence lasts for a while and I don't think of him.

An ode to my lover

I write you this letter and will never send it. Oh how I have posts from other blogs written in hopes that you'd see them but this one...I'd rather you don't...because I know you won't.

I say 'thank you' you say 'good lookin'. I say 'baby' you say 'ma'. We worked, we functioned and we showed each other our love and affection in the only abstract way we knew how. Abstract to the outsides but to you and me, it worked. An inconvenient truth threw us off guard and melted our ice caps. Into a sea we never expected to be floating about in, confused, lost. To you, it is a sign that we're not meant to be, to me it's a test of strength. I'm hanging on long after you've let go and I don't even know if it will be worth it in the end. You don't seem to be struggling with your conscious about me but then again you've always been good at hiding your emotions, so much so that for a while it seemed like you didn't have any.

When I tell people about our "break-up" and the way I feel they say, "But...him? What's the big deal? Why him?" But...why not him? Him who has known me for the past forever, him who has come to me for help since...always. Nobody gets it either and when I try to explain it all, I just find myself stumbling over my words, stuttering "I don't know." Truthfully sometimes I ask myself how'd I fall so miserably in love with my best friend and not even notice it? I gradually found myself fighting for you with all that I had and even now I refuse to let go.

I shouldn't have waited to tell you my deepest secret. I should have told you the second I found out. Maybe it could've saved us. Maybe you wouldn't have left me to hang with a gun and bullet in hand. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.

Why don't I just let it go?

How wonderful life is...

...now you're in the world.

Things can happen so quickly. Go from bad to good and from good to sour. Most of the time, things seem to take a turn for the worst.

"Fall seven times, stand up 8." Thanks titi.