Slow like honey

I am raw with emotions
and need not to bother with discretion.
Sometimes I ache and
sometimes I remember not what has happened.
I forget and walk along this path,
with only the problems of the future on my shoulders.

I don't think of the pain that was,
or the future that could have been.
I forget that I had to let you go
since you took the first bold move first.
I forget that was we sit here talking,
we will never be friends the way we were friends.

You no longer want me as you wanted me,
while I sit here wanting you just the same as before.
I am suddenly reminded of that
and it burns like a strong whiskey that settles in the throat.
I want to fix all of your problems
but you will not let me.
I want to kiss all the bruises done by words
but the window of opportunity has come and gone.

But maybe some faith would do me good.

"..Though dreams may be deceiving
like faces are to hearts...:-Fiona Apple

Solo existe...hoy?!?!

As many of us may know (i don't know who us is cuz nobody reads this lol), I have a tattoo that says, 'Only today exists' pero en espanol. Bueno, me puse a pensar and honestly, I don't live my life as if only today exists. I go to dreadful classes today so that hopefully in the future I can benefit from them and I work even though i don't want to sometimes because I need the money for the future whether near or far. I want to love someone but I can't because this isn't a one way street and it's not only about what I want.

So I guess we can't really live only for today if we're broke college students with broken hearts. Or just compromised in situations we'd rather not be.

Damn the bourgeois.

"I watched you suffer a dull aching pain
Now you decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind"
- Rolling Stones

12/03

I always find myself writing during the cultural studies lecture...

The Battles were short and often. The war lasted forever. Our victory dance was brief and then it all went to shit and all we had to show for it were battle scars. Deep scars. We tried so hard for so long to ignore the feelings that persisted and resurged every so often and when we finally stopped lying to ourselves, the war had just begun. The next step was making you realize and fulling understanding how completely devoted I was to you and how much you needed. I proved it after long months and we lived blissfully for not even a quarter of the time we had spent fighting and resenting. I want you back as my best friend, and as my lover who...well was brand new. But that didn't matter to me, we were so much more than that. I don't know why, but I'm not bitter or mad. I am just lonely. I still want to cater to you and make sure that you know that someone loves you because I don't think you ever felt that. I deadass don't know why.

Cuz no one loves you more than me,
and no one ever will.

- Ms. Hill

Sometimes I do think that this was for the best. I'm seeing old friends, made some new ones and I'm feeling brand new but...only sometimes. I'm fully aware of the fact that I deserve someone who's willing to be there with me through thick and thin and who appreciates me for all that I am. And I agree, 100%, the only problem is that I thought that that person was you and I had already found him so now it's like...who do I trust?

---------------------------

In the same class, a poem.

"No hard feelings."

I bid you farewell,
and I wish you luck.
You are not who I thought you were but,
I think it's just because
I am a know it all.
You let us go in an instance
and I persisted to hold on.
I figured, 'he's being irrational,
I need to make him realize.'
But I don't know if you want
to realize anymore.
I don't know who you are.

11/28

I wrote this jumpoff on the train. It ain't good or nuffin' :-P

'Weak'

"And I existed for you."
"Deadass though," if you only knew
how much truth there were behind
those lines, I wouldn't be surprised if
you smile and said "Aight, good lookin'."

School, work and then you.
I gave up on one and all friends
for you.
I'd squeeze them into my schedule
as I did shit like walk to the train
so that I could see you every
one or two hours that I had free for you.

You; who was there everyday via
IM, phone call, myspace, whatever I could find.
I existed for you,
I was for you,
and I'd probably be here for you if you called.
And I'm not ashamed, which is sad.

Now, there's time for them because
you don't want to see me.
I chew on the last piece of gum that
you bought me one month ago
and I cry inside.
I don't let them see me weep because then
I'd be a weak ass bitch for you.

---------------------

Ok a different one.

"Trains go by"

I get on the train and
take the same route I'd take
to go see you.
Every train that passes to go downtown,
I'd hope to catch a glimpse of your face.
The train I get on going uptown,
I hope to see you on it.
A bouquet in hands, ready tosay
"I'm sorry, I love you."
However, those words will never be uttered
from those bitter lips that belonged to me
for only an instance.
And what an instance it was;
almost a lifetime.